Learning to Walk
by LdyAnne
Summary: Rodney McKay was the kid who always sat in the corner of the cafeteria by himself to eat his lunch. Written for the 'Continuing Education' challenge on Flashfic. Warning for language and minor character death.


Rodney McKay was the kid who always sat in the corner of the cafeteria by himself to eat his lunch. He ate hunched over his tray like he was afraid someone was going to take it away from him. Maybe they would, John didn't know. He was the new kid at school. He'd only been there a couple of weeks, so maybe someone did take Rodney's lunch. John had a feeling that Rodney was the geek kid that all the jocks picked on.

If John were smart, he'd leave Rodney McKay alone and go sit at the table with the cheerleaders who kept smiling at him during class, twirling their curls over their fingers. If he were smart, he'd go sit with the guys from the football team. They'd been friendly enough, asking John to join them for practice, to think about going out for the team. And he might. He liked football a lot. Football was just a step above Ferris Wheels in the John Sheppard scheme of things, and just a step below things that went really, really fast.

There was just something about Rodney McKay. Maybe John recognized a kindred spirit. He was pretty much a loner, too. His family traveled a lot because his dad was in the Air Force. So he was never in any one place long enough to get to know anyone. People were nice enough to him, it just didn't feel honest. He could feel them sizing him up. He was always afraid he didn't measure up.

So, on his third week at the new school, it was his third Monday, he passed the table with the cheerleaders and the one with the guys from the football team and he walked over the table where Rodney McKay sat. Alone.

"Hey," John said, "Anyone sitting here?" There never had been, but it never hurt to be polite.

Rodney's head jerked up. He glanced around as if he expected someone else to be sitting there. Someone else for John to be talking to. He gaped up at John, his mouth open and still full of food. It was kind of gross. Then Rodney 's mouth snapped shut and he waved a hand.

"It's a free country, or so I'm told. You can sit anywhere you want." He went back to shoveling food into his mouth, ignoring John.

John shrugged, sliding his tray onto the table. He dropped his book bag with a moan and sat.

Digging into his own lunch – institutional chili with a cinnamon roll, John studied the other boy. Rodney was scribbling in a notebook while hunched over his lunch tray - absently shoveling his food into his mouth with one hand and working in his notebook with the other. His blondish hair was brushing the top of his collar; it curled just a little on the ends. He was kind of scrawny, but his eyes were bright blue, and he had a razor sharp wit. It was some of the only fun John had had in a while when Rodney went off on the teacher in their college calculus class, telling the man all of the reasons he was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Rodney glanced up to discover John staring at him. "What?" he asked, frowning. "Do I have food in my teeth?" His eyes went cross-eyed and he swept his tongue over his teeth.

"Nah," John said, "you're fine. I'm John Sheppard by the way."

Rodney waved a hand. "Yes, yes, I know. Fourth period college calculus. You're not entirely stupid, although you could do better if you applied yourself."

"Wow," John opened his milk. He took a long drink before he answered. "You sound just like my dad. Well except for the 'not entirely stupid' bit. He thinks I'm entirely stupid."

Rodney nodded. "Mine does, too." Rodney's face flamed in a painful flush. "I mean my dad thinks I'm entirely stupid. Not you." Rodney ducked his head and took a drink of his own milk and then choked. John politely pretended not to notice until the other boy had brought his coughing under control.

"What you working on?" John asked when it looked like Rodney was okay. He nodded to indicate the notebook at Rodney's right hand. It was covered in equations.

Rodney shut the notebook, shoving it into his book bag. "Its homework," was all he said as he bent back to his lunch and that was that.

John shrugged, going back to his own lunch. He'd learned a long time ago not to pry into other people's business. If Rodney didn't want to talk, he didn't want to talk.

They were just finishing up when one of the guys from the football table stood and strode over to the table where Rodney and John sat. Acustus Koyla was the star quarterback for the school's team. As far as John could tell he thought he was the coolest kid ever. He was in John's second period Lit class. The only reason John knew that was because he showed up to class on Fridays to hand in his homework. Then he would leave again.

"Practice," he would mumble as he left. The teacher, Miss Jenkins, would frown at him, but she didn't call him back either.

Koyla sauntered up to their table pulling out the chair next to Rodney. Reversing it he sat. Rodney didn't even look up at him. He just scooped up the last of his lunch. As he reached for his milk, Koyla's arm shot out and grabbed Rodney's hand.

"You know, it's polite to say hello when someone sits down," Koyla's tone was studied and calm. But there was something about his eyes that John didn't like.

Rodney did look up then. He glanced over at Koyla and then down where Koyla had a hold of his arm.

"You have met me, right?" Rodney sneered at him. "Rodney McKay? No one's ever accused me of being polite." He stared at Koyla, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

John wondered if it was his imagination that the temperature in their part of the cafeteria just went down. Or maybe it went up. It was hard to tell which.

Koyla let go of Rodney's arm. He leaned forward in his chair. "I just wondered if you had that calculus homework you promised me? Mr. Lister is getting kind of insistent that I turn it in." John was surprised. He didn't even know that Koyla was in their calculus class. Somehow Acustus Koyla didn't seem like a calculus kind of guy.

Rodney blinked at him. "Homework?"

"You said last week you were going to help me out."

Rodney tilted his head, regarding Koyla like he was a failed experiment. "You asked me to help you out in class," he said flatly.

"By doing my homework." Koyla spoke slowly, like it would make more sense that way.

"What?" Rodney frowned. John noticed that one end of his mouth tipped down while the other end stayed straight, it looked like it was sloping downhill. "I'll tutor you if you want, but I'm not doing your homework."

Koyla's whole body went tense. "I thought you understood that I needed to get an A in that class. If I don't get an A, coach won't let me play and I'll lose any chance at a scholarship. My whole future is riding on that class."

Rodney rose, shouldering his book bag. "Well then come to class and do your own fucking homework, because I'm not going to do it for you."

Koyla rose, too, and he was a lot bigger than Rodney. Not just in height, but in weight, and it was all lean muscle. If Kolya went after Rodney, the other boy didn't stand a chance.

The cafeteria went quiet around them. The kids at the table closest to them moved away.

Rodney actually started to walk away. John admired his courage, but he was pretty sure Rodney was going to get killed.

Koyla went after him. He grabbed Rodney's arm, pulling him around. "I don't think you understand. I wasn't asking you to do my homework, I was telling you to do my homework."

Rodney stared down at Koyla's hand on his arm until Koyla pulled it away. "And I don't think you understand." Rodney spoke clearly and distinctly, enunciating each word. His voice echoed through the nearly silent cafeteria. "I'm not going to do your homework. Now or ever. "

Koyla didn't try to grab Rodney again, but this time when Rodney turned to leave, Koyla moved around to block his escape. He loomed over Rodney. "And you don't understand, McKay. I don't want someone else to do my homework. I want an A, you're the only one that can get me that. Don't make me hurt you." He stepped forward into Rodney's space. The sense of menace was so strong that Rodney did take a step back then.

John had had enough. Rodney had been holding his own and John didn't want to make the other boy look weaker by stepping in. But Koyla had crossed the line. He'd threatened Rodney. John wasn't going to stand for that. He jumped up, shoving his way between the two boys. Koyla took a step away in surprise. John could feel Rodney as a warm presence at his back.

"He said he wasn't going to do your homework, Koyla. Seems simple enough to figure out to me." Koyla had some weight on John, but they were of a similar height, and John had some wrestling experience. He might not be able to take Koyla, but he'd be able to get in a lick or two before Koyla took him down.

The bell rang then. Kids jumped up heading for the door - some of them dragging their feet, waiting to see if there was going to be a fight.

One of Koyla's cronies approached them. "Leave it, man," he whispered urgently, "we'll get the geek to do what you want later when his bodyguard's not around."

"Oh, please, like I need someone to protect me," Rodney stepped out from behind John to stand beside him. "I can take you guys and you'll never know what got you," he sneered.

The new guy took Koyla's arm and shook it a little. "Come on, Koyla, Coach'll have your ass if you're caught fighting in the cafeteria."

Koyla smiled at Rodney, it was cold and full of menace and the promise of future hurt. "Oh, we'll go. See you around, McKay."

"Only if I'm really, really unlucky," Rodney muttered at their departing backs. He was silent until they disappeared then he rounded on John. "What the hell did you think you were doing?" he demanded. He poked John in the chest.

John fell back a step. "I was trying to help?"

Rodney hitched his book bag higher on his shoulder. "Well I don't need your help, so next time stay out of it." He took off for the door pushing his way through the throngs of teenagers. John had to run to keep up with him.

"Hey, no need to say thanks or anything," John said when he caught up, a lot irritated that his show of comradery was being thrown back in his face.

"I had the situation under control," Rodney hissed. He picked up his pace trying to get away from John maybe. Maybe he just didn't want to be late for calculus.

"Oh, yeah," John snarked back. "So under control that Koyla was going to break you like a twig. "Sorry for caring enough that I didn't want to see that."

"What?" Rodney stopped dead in his tracks. John stumbled trying not to run into him. Kids behind them nudged them on their way past. "Please! You were playing the big hero coming in to save the day. Well, thank you very much, but I can take care of myself." Rodney turned and marched into class.

John followed him, throwing his back pack onto a desk. "Fine," he hissed at Rodney, low. "Next time I'll let Koyla break you and then pick your skinny ass up and take you to the hospital."

"Fine," Rodney hissed back just as the bell rang.

Mr. Lister showed up then and they couldn't talk to each other for the whole hour.

As soon as class ended Rodney made a beeline for the door, but John was ready for him. He grabbed his book bag and rushed after him.

"Listen," he said as they shoved their way through the mass of kids in the hall between classes. "I didn't mean to sound like I was trying to rescue you. I'm pretty sure you can take care of yourself." Rodney was pretty scrawny and a math geek. He'd have to be able to take care of himself to survive the likes of Acustus Koyla. "I just don't like people like Koyla thinking they can run around picking on people."

Rodney gave an aggrieved huff and turned on him, "I can take care of myself," he declared. "I'm badass." He stood there in the middle of the hall, his face red, glaring at John.

John couldn't help the snort that escaped from him. It only made Rodney glare more, which made John laugh outright. Finally Rodney couldn't help it. He laughed, too.

He bumped shoulders with John and jerked his head. "Come one, we've got to go or we'll be late." And just like that they were okay. It was the weirdest thing ever.

After that they had lunch together every day.

John didn't know what there was about McKay. It wasn't that he liked him exactly. He didn't fool himself into thinking that they could be friends, John was never anywhere long enough to actually be friends with anybody. It was just that Rodney was interesting. The most interesting person John had ever met.

* * *

One afternoon John saw Rodney going down the hall. John didn't have anything to do after school; he wondered if Rodney might want to hang out. He shoved his books into the locker, hurrying after the other boy.

"Hey, Rodney," he fell into step with him. "What you doing?"

Rodney frowned over at John. "Is this a trick question? I'm walking down the hall. What are you doing?"

John rolled his eyes. Rodney was an ass. But an interesting ass. "I thought we could hang out or something. What do people do for fun in this town?"

"I don't know about _people_," Rodney said, "but _I'm_ going to the library."

The library didn't really sound like much fun, but John didn't have anywhere else to go, so he tagged along. Maybe there'd be a chance to tempt Rodney away from the books. Maybe they could find an arcade or a Ferris Wheel.

The guy standing behind the counter of the library was easily the biggest guy John had ever seen. He was at least seven-feet tall. He sported dreads and he wore a duster even in the warmth of the library.

"Hey, McKay," the guy greeted Rodney warmly. "Been wondering when you were going to stop by. Your math book came in."

Rodney snorted. "Have some respect, Ronon," Rodney told him. "Calling that book a math book is like calling the Bible a storybook."

Ronon shrugged. "You want it?"

Rodney glared at him, which didn't seem to faze the other guy at all. But then he was seven-feet tall. "Yeah, I want it."

Ronon pulled a thick, heavy book off a shelf under the counter. "You can't take it out of the library."

"I know that, Ronon." If Rodney's glare could kill, Ronon would be a pile of dust behind the counter. As it was, Ronon just grinned at him. Rodney took the book with careful fingers, smoothing over the surface tentatively.

John liked Ronon a lot. Anyone who could snipe back at Rodney was okay in John's book.

He stepped forward, leaning on the counter. "I'm John," he introduced himself. "I like college football, Ferris Wheels and anything that goes over 200 miles an hour. Don't think I've seen you around."

Ronon took in John's measure with one swift glance. He didn't seem overly impressed. "Is that my problem?"

John shrugged, "Nah, I'm just saying, Rodney doesn't have many friends and Koyla was picking on him the other day. Seemed to me it would be good to have someone like you to back him up."

Ronon drew himself up and he was even taller than John had thought. "Hey, Rodney's badass, he can take care of himself."

John backed up a little, hands held up, "He told me that actually."

Ronon's eyes narrowed, "You don't look very mathy, what are you doing hanging out with Rodney?"

John turned to see Rodney bent over a study carrel, running his fingers reverently over his book. "He's kind of interesting," he said off-handedly.

Ronon reached over the counter and grabbed John's shirt, practically pulling him over. "Listen, Rodney's kind of trusting where people are concerned. He doesn't always get that they might not want to hang out with him because he's so witty and charming. He doesn't get that they might want other things from him like _help_ with their homework, their reports, their test scores."

It was the strangest library John had ever been in. No one even batted an eye at Ronon pulling him over the counter, much less told them to shush. John pushed at Ronon's hands, but they didn't budge.

"I don't need i_help_/i with my homework, okay," John said desperately. "I get by. I may not be A material, but I'm happy with Bs. Rodney just seems like fun."

Ronon let go. He seemed to be surprised. "Huh, not many people think fun the first thing when they meet Rodney."

John chuckled. "Yeah, I get that. But really, I don't want to take advantage of his geeky brain. I might like some tutoring in calculus, but I don't want him to steal test answers for me, okay?"

Ronon studied him a moment more, but he finally nodded. "Okay." He grinned and held out a hand. "I'm Ronon Dex. You new here? Don't think I've seen you around."

John grinned at him. "New guy," he answered by way of explanation. "What do people do for fun around here?"

Ronon nodded at Rodney who had finally opened the book. "That's what he does."

"And you?"

Ronon grinned back. The smile was evil.

* * *

That was how John met Teyla. She was a tiny girl; she was also the most beautiful woman that he'd ever met. Even though he doubted that she was any older than any of the rest of them, she carried herself with the poise and self-possession of someone much older.

"She's from one of those South American countries where they're having a coup every week," Rodney whispered to John. There was something very like awe in his voice.

Ronon had brought them to a dojo-like place with mirrors on the walls and hard wood floors polished so smooth that John could nearly see his reflection.

He watched as Teyla and Ronon circled each. They both held two sticks which they used like an extension of themselves. They would strike and parry, push back, then circle one another until one or the other would strike and the rhythm would start again. It was like a highly choreographed dance. And John wanted to learn how to it, right damn now.

At least he wanted to learn it until he was on his knees with Teyla's sticks at his throat.

"You are too eager," she told him reprovingly. "You must learn the basic forms and steps before you can hope to be effective with the sticks."

"You have to learn to walk before you can dance," Rodney translated helpfully.

"Thanks, Rodney," John said sourly. "I think I got that."

Teyla came around and offered her hand. "You did not do badly. You lasted a whole minute longer than Rodney the first time he tried."

John turned to Rodney in surprise. He didn't think McKay was the physical type.

Rodney blushed. He shrugged. "I have depths," he said defensively.

John grinned at him.

Teyla surprised him by gripping his shoulders like she'd done with Ronon. She tipped herself forward. John met her half way like he'd seen Ronon do.

"That was cool," he said when they pulled away. "Can I come back and try it again?"

Teyla smiled at him. "Of course you may. Any friend of Rodney's is welcome here." While she smiled the entire time she said it, the threat was plain. If he wasn't a friend to Rodney, she would kick his ass.

He gulped and nodded that he understood. She nodded her satisfaction.

* * *

After a few weeks at the new school, John's mom sat down opposite him at breakfast.

"You look happy," she said. She tried to sound off handed and casual, but John saw through her. She always wanted him to be happy, and she tried so hard to make sure everything at home was perfect so he'd be happy there. She was the perfect mom. She was always there when he needed her; she always had the right thing to say. She was pretty and had the best hugs in the world. He loved her so much; he couldn't imagine his life without her.

John smiled at her and shrugged a little. "School doesn't suck this year." He moved his eggs around his plate.

She smiled back at him, pleased, "I'm glad to hear that. You've got friends?"

John was a little embarrassed about that. He didn't want his mom to think he wasn't happy, but how could he tell her that he didn't have friends? He had people to spend the time with until his family moved again. His little brother Dave had friends. But Dave seemed to have an easier time with people than John did. Dave brought people home all the time. There was always an extra rug rat or two hanging around the house.

"There are some people I hang out with," he said at last, offering what he could.

Her smile was blinding. "I'm so glad to hear that. You should bring them to dinner some night."

John gaped at her. He knew his mouth was open. But really what could he say? This was his mom. How could he bring home Rodney McKay? And Ronon? Then he thought about it again. Sure Rodney was kind of crass and he ate with his mouth open most of the time, but he was also funny and smart – he might actually want his mom to meet Rodney. He thought she might like him, too. And Ronon was big and looming, but he was fiercely loyal. Rodney didn't know that Ronon growled at Acustus Koyla every time he walked by him in the hallway. And then there was Teyla. Teyla was the warmest, most likeable person John knew. His mom would love Teyla.

He swallowed. This was big. John hadn't brought anyone home to hang out with since the third grade, and certainly never for dinner.

He nodded. "Sure," he took a bite of his toast. "When do you think?" he asked trying to maintain his cool.

"How about next week?" she suggested. "Monday night?"

* * *

"Dinner?" Rodney asked when John asked him, trying to be nonchalant like it wasn't a big deal if Rodney said no. Rodney chewed his school lasagna with his mouth open. It was pretty gross, but John was used to it now. "She a good cook?" he asked, his head titled while he thought about it.

"The best," John enthused. "Her meatloaf is the best ever. And then I get to have meat loaf sandwiches for lunch the next day. With fresh-made bread." John held up his sandwich as proof. Rodney thought he was insane when he brought his own lunch. But then Rodney had never tasted Caroline Sheppard's cooking.

"Okay," Rodney nodded his head. "But I should come to dinner tonight to make sure it's good enough for Teyla and Ronon."

John took a big bite of his sandwich to hide his grin.

* * *

"Mom," John shouted when he and Rodney came in through the door. "I'm home and I brought a friend." He grinned at Rodney when he said it.

Rodney ducked his head, a shy smile on his face. "I'm your friend?" he asked, wonder in his voice.

John realized abruptly that Rodney didn't know that John only hung out with him because he was interesting. Rodney thought they were friends. Of course Rodney was the first kid he'd brought home since the third grade. Maybe Rodney was a friend.

John's mom appeared from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel. She beamed at Rodney.

"I'm Caroline Sheppard. It's nice to meet one of John's friends."

Rodney looked at John with wide, panicked eyes. "You didn't tell me that your mom was hot," he whispered loud enough for John's mom to hear.

John punched him, hard. "That's my mom, Rodney."

"But she is," Rodney insisted, staring at her, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

Caroline Sheppard laughed. "It's alright, John, I'm flattered. I've never been called hot before, I hope that's a good thing." Rodney just nodded. "Why don't you two go study in the den and I'll let you know when dinner is ready."

"You might need help," Rodney offered, suddenly generous.

John had to hook a hand in Rodney's arm to drag him out of the room.

"I can't believe you," John said when they were out of ear shot of the kitchen.

"I'm not going to date her or anything," Rodney protested.

"Yeah, cause my dad would kick your ass," John told him hotly.

"She's just really pretty and she loves you a lot. You can see it. Most days I don't think my mom even likes me," Rodney confessed. He sat down heavily on the sofa, his book bag falling to the floor at his feet.

John sat beside him, trying to think of what to say and coming up with nothing. "You want to study?" he asked at last. Because they didn't have anything better to do, they dug their books out and got in a little studying. But mostly they argued over which was the best villain on Batman – the Joker or the Riddler.

Rodney was better by dinner. John was glad because Dave and one of his friends were there, too. He didn't need anything embarrassing with the rug rat looking on. Although John did catch Rodney sneaking glances at his mom whenever he thought John wasn't looking. He did manage to eat with his mouth closed, too. John thought that must be the height of love for Rodney McKay.

* * *

John was a lot nervous about adding Teyla and Ronon to the mix. But he didn't need to worry. Ronon was in instant hit with Dave who thought this new guy was a jungle gym, an idea that Ronon was happy to go along with. Dave swung off him as Ronon swung him around. They were fast friends after about two minutes. Teyla offered to help with dinner and they didn't see her again until dinner was served. John and Rodney set the table.

It was the best dinner John had ever had. Of course his dad wasn't there. His dad didn't make it home for dinner much.

John looked around the table as the food was passed – his mom's fried chicken and mashed potatoes, it was the best. Teyla and Rodney were fighting over the last roll as Ronon taught Dave how to flick potatoes off his spoon.

Everyone froze when Carolyn Sheppard tsked in disapproval.

But then she showed them the proper way to flick mashed potatoes hitting Ronon on the chest. Ronon did hesitate a fraction of a second before he retaliated. Fortunately there weren't many potatoes left or the mess would have been a lot bigger.

John looked around the table at the people laughing and wiping potatoes up. He was kind of surprised to realize that he had friends.

After that all three of his friends had dinner at John's house at least once a week. Rodney was there every chance he got, because John needed all the tutoring in Calculus he could get,. At least that was Rodney's reasoning, but he always stayed for dinner.

* * *

Koyla didn't mess with Rodney at lunch again, so John thought the whole thing was over. Until the night that Rodney knocked on his bedroom window. John opened it to find Rodney sitting on the roof outside his window, his eye swollen.

John caught a hold of Rodney and helped him inside. Rodney slid through the window and plopped down on the floor of John's room. John inspected his eye with careful fingers. Rodney hissed, pushing John's hand away.

"What are you doing?" John asked really worried. Rodney was listless and out of it.

"Stop it, that hurts," Rodney whined. He slumped against the wall, his eyes closed.

John padded downstairs quickly to get some ice wrapped in a dishtowel. He checked on his mom to make sure she was still in the living room watching some show or other before he slipped back upstairs to take care of Rodney.

Rodney moaned an incoherent thanks as John pressed the towel to his face.

"Okay," John said at last when Rodney didn't seem to be willing to share what happened. "What's going on?"

Rodney moaned again mumbling something.

John began to worry about head wounds and bleeding on the brain.

"Do I need to call an ambulance?" John began to push himself up to get his mom.

"No, stop, dumbass," Rodney caught his arm, tugging to pull him back down. "It was Koyla and his gang, okay? Are you happy now?" He hissed and pushed the towel against his eye more firmly. He slumped in misery. "They caught me as I was leaving the library. Koyla said that no one told him no."

"Well, fuck that," John started to pull on his shoes.

"What are you doing?" Rodney asked his voice weighted down by misery and exhaustion.

"I'm going to go find Koyla and kick his ass," John was surprised that Rodney didn't know that already.

"No, you can't do that. I'm the one that will pay the price in the end." Rodney sounded so tired. John didn't have the heart to argue with him. He went into the bathroom and came back with the bottle of aspirin, shaking a couple of tablets out into his hand.

Rodney took them and swallowed them down dry. He leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes against the pain. John settled down next to him.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked, needing to do something.

Rodney shook his head and then winced. "Nothing," he whispered, "I'll take care of it in my own way."

John didn't really believe him, but every time he asked that's what Rodney told him.

So he put together a spread sheet with Teyla and Ronon. They made sure that Rodney was never left alone again.

* * *

October arrived and the weather began to turn. The days were still sunny and warm, but the nights became chilly and the leaves turned into a riot of color.

One crisp October day fliers went up around town announcing the arrival of the Pegasus Carnival Company. It wasn't difficult to get Teyla and Ronon to agree to go, and they helped John badger Rodney into accompanying them.

Oh, he whined, "I've got way too much studying to do to go out and risk my brilliance on those death traps they call rides." He shuddered melodramatically.

"Come on, Rodney," John wheedled, bumping his shoulder. "Even you can't study all the time."

Rodney looked at him askance. "Have you met me?"

"It'll be fun," John insisted. "One night off isn't going to hurt your GPA. There'll be food there."

John didn't miss the sudden gleam of interest in Rodney's eye. "Yeah?"

"One word." John leaned in and whispered into Rodney's ear, "Funnel Cake."

Rodney didn't call him on the fact that Funnel Cake was two words, but he did go with them to the carnival.

* * *

It was a blast.

Rodney and Ronon had a contest to see who could eat the most. After three hotdogs, a funnel cake, cotton candy and something on a stick, John was surprised that either one of them could stand. Rodney did turn kind of green when he saw the tilt-a-whirl, but he got on. He gripped the handle tightly, the knuckles of his hands turning white. He screamed gleefully as the ride whipped them back and forth. He tottered a little when they got off, but he was fine. He dragged John over to the line for the bumper cars though swearing to get revenge.

They rode all the rides about three times and played the games. John got three hits with the air rifle and won Teyla an awesome teddy bear.

"You can't be seen carrying that," Rodney declared with horror after taking one look at the neon pink bear.

"I must, Rodney," Teyla declared. "John won it for me."

"Oh, no, we'll be the laughing stock of the school if we're seen in the vicinity of that."

"Let 'em laugh," Ronon growled. "I'll show them who's a laughing stock."

"You can't be there 24/7," Rodney mumbled. He made it a point to walk a little ahead of the rest of them after that.

"Oh, man," John caught sight of the Ferris Wheel and stopped. "We've got to ride it."

"What?" Rodney stared in horror. "It's a bucket of bolts. It's going to fall apart any minute."

"Oh, come on, Rodney. It is not," John wheedled pulling him along toward it. "They wouldn't let it run if it wasn't safe."

"Oh, please," Rodney hung back dragging his feet. "They just tell you that. There's actually a long history of Ferris Wheel deaths. They just cover it up so people don't know."

John grinned at Rodney. "They do not. Come on, it's cool."

"Why don't you take Teyla? She wants to ride it. Or Ronon? He's cool with it." They were both waiting in the line behind John and Rodney.

The guy taking tickets frowned at them. "You two girls going to ride or not? Either get on or get out of line."

John rolled his eyes. "I don't want to ride with Teyla or Ronon, I want to ride it with you, dumbass. Now come on."

Surprise flashed across Rodney's face as he let John pull him onto the ride. The guy locked the bar in place.

"No roughhousing, you hear?" he scolded them. "We just got this thing put back together after the last accident." He pushed the lever that set the car in motion. By then it was too late for Rodney to back out and escape.

"What?" Rodney squeaked.

The car swayed and there was a metallic shriek as it moved.

"Oh, my god, we're going to die," Rodney moaned.

"We're not going to die," John said patiently.

"You heard what he said," Rodney insisted. Rodney's hand flailed about and the car swayed some more.

"Rodney, stop it," John caught his arms and forced them down. "He heard you freaking out and he was just pulling your chain. It's perfectly safe."

The car came to a gentle stop as it paused to let on the next passengers – Teyla and Ronon.

"Really?" Rodney's voice rose with anxiety. "Because seriously? I'm too young to die. I haven't made any serious breakthroughs in science yet and I'm going to win a Nobel by the time I'm 40. I can't do that if I'm dead."

John had to work really hard not to laugh. "Really, Rodney, I'm not trying to kill you. It's just this is my favorite ride and I wanted to share it with you."

"Really?" It was kind of sad that no one had ever wanted to share something with Rodney just because it was fun. "Well, I guess this isn't that bad."

Then the ride started up again with a jerk. Rodney shrieked, covering his head with his arms. John gave it a minute and then he nudged Rodney.

"Look," he said.

Slowly Rodney brought his arms down. When he saw the countryside spread out below them he covered his face with his hands and peaked through his fingers.

It was a beautiful, clear fall night. The full moon was high in the sky; it lit up the countryside with a gentle light.

"Wow, that's just… wow." Rodney said softly.

"Yeah," John agreed.

"Is that why you like this ride?" Rodney asked.

John nodded. "That. And I feel like I can touch the sky from here." He reached up like he could touch the moon. "I want to fly up there someday."

They were quiet for a moment as the ride paused with them at the top so more riders could be let on at the bottom. They swayed gently. Rodney only clutched the bar a little.

"What are you going to do when you leave school?" Rodney asked.

John felt a little clutch in the pit of his stomach. He looked out at the town, with its lights scattered like so much fairy dust. "I'm going to join the Air Force," he told Rodney. "I want to fly planes." He hadn't told that to anyone yet, not even his mom.

Rodney's mouth opened, then closed. "That's cool," he said. It sounded forced.

"What?" John demanded.

Rodney looked away. He scuffed a foot on the bottom of their car and it kind of jerked. Rodney started and sat very still.

"What?" John demanded again.

Rodney shook his head. "It's stupid. I was just kind of hoping… Well, you're good in math, too, and I was kind of hoping that we maybe could go to the same school and be roommates or something because I've never really had a friend before and I thought it would be cool to go to college together." The words came out so fast that they all blended together. John had to work to translate them.

He was left with a warm feeling. He'd never thought about continuing a friendship after he'd left a school. No one had ever wanted to continue being friends with him.

"That's…" he swallowed.

"It's dumb I know." Rodney refused to meet his eyes.

"No, Rodney, it's not," John said fiercely. "It's a cool idea. And really, I'd like nothing better than to go to college with you and be your roommate. Except…"

Rodney turned to meet his eyes then, "Except you really want to fly?"

John nodded, "I can't explain it, Rodney, it's something I've gotta do. It's the coolest thing ever. It's like when I'm in the air there's only me and the plane and the sky and everything makes sense."

Rodney nodded slowly, "Yeah, I get it. It's like me and math. There's so much bad stuff and stupid people, but math makes sense and it's beautiful."

Rodney did get it. And they were okay. They finished the ride in silence, just enjoying the company and the view.

After that Rodney and Ronon ate another hot dog and had a milk shake. And that was it. Rodney turned green and spent ten minutes in the bath room. After that they had to take him home.

They next day they all declared that the carnival was a blast.

* * *

John kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for his dad to come home one day and announce that they were moving again. But fall turned to winter and they were still in their little house on the base and John was still at Atlantis High hanging out with Rodney and Teyla and Ronon. He argued the utter implausibility of "Back to the Future" with Rodney, and tried to convince him to design a time-traveling DeLorean to no avail.

"Come on, Rodney, it would be so cool," John wheedled.

"Oh, please, Sheppard," Rodney rolled his eyes, "there's as much chance of that as there is of Acustus Koyla getting an A in calculus."

But John found Rodney's notebook covered with equations with 'time travel?' written at the top.

* * *

He got better at stick fighting, or at least so Teyla said. All he knew was that he spent as much time on his knees with her sticks at his throat as he always did. It was just that it was taking her a little more time to get him there.

One day he showed up at the library and Ronon shoved a book into his hands.

"War and Peace?" John asked.

Ronon shrugged. "It's on the reading list for your lit class. It's pretty good."

So, John checked it out and shoved it into his book bag with the rest of his books.

* * *

Christmas came and went. Their house was decorated and presents were bought. John's mom always did everything she could to make it special for John and Dave. She insisted that John invite his friends over for Christmas dinner. They all ate too much turkey and stuffing and watched football.

John bought Rodney a copy of a battered fourth grade math book he found in at a garage sale, and Rodney gave John a model airplane. They grinned at each other as they ripped open their packages. Rodney took a red pen to the math book and began to correct it. John put together the model airplane and hung it from his ceiling.

* * *

After they went back to school after the Christmas break there was a rash of exploding lockers. Once John checked into it he realized that they were all lockers belonging to members of the football team. No one was able to figure out who was the culprit behind the bombings although John had his suspicions and so did the football team.

He noticed Koyla watching their table at lunch sometimes. Rodney would smile at him and flip him off. Koyla was quick to look away after that.

"Told you I was badass," Rodney said smugly.

* * *

It was the middle of February and they were all sitting around the table for dinner. There was snow falling outside, so no one was in any hurry to finish and tromp home through the snow. John was actually looking forward to it a little. They'd always lived in warmer climates so he'd never really gotten to experience snow.

"There's this great hill on the next block," Ronon told Dave. "If we have tomorrow off of school, I'll take you sledding." He promised. Dave bounced in his chair.

The next day dawned bright and sunny. Everything was covered in a thick layer of snow, it was white as far as the eye could see. John and Dave sat glued to the morning news until it was announced that their schools were closed. They gave jubilant cheers and went to find their mother. She was already in the kitchen fixing a breakfast big enough to feed two armies.

"Don't think you're just going out without eating," she scolded them. "Now go set the table, your friends will be here any minute, John."

Sure enough, Teyla, Ronon and Rodney knocked on the door a few minutes later. They were already covered in a layer of snow.

Caroline Sheppard met them at the door. She insisted that they come in and sit down and eat. After taking one look at the table groaning under the weight of pancakes and bacon, sausages and scrambled eggs, they didn't need much convincing.

Dave bounced in his seat the entire time they were eating. "Please, oh, please, can we go now?" he pleaded. "The snow's going to melt."

"It's not going to melt while you eat breakfast," his mother scolded. "You're not going out there until you eat everything on your plate," she told him sternly.

Dave gulped and started stuffing the pancake down.

John had to take a huge bite of his own pancake to hide his grin. None of them really believed that she wouldn't let Dave go if he didn't eat his breakfast except for Dave.

Once they were all done, Caroline made them a thermos of hot chocolate. She also made them put on an extra sweatshirt along with their hats and mittens. John could hardly move once he was dressed.

"I feel like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man," he complained as they escaped through the front door before his mom could change her mind.

"Who you gonna call?" Ronon asked.

"Ghostbusters!" They all yelled back.

The sky was perfectly blue now that the snow had ended. The sun reflected off the snow, dazzling John's eyes. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. It was so cold that his breath could be seen as a fine, white mist.

Before they even got out of the yard, Ronon hit John with a snowball on the back of the head, the snow dripping down the back of his coat and somehow insinuating itself it through the three layers of his clothes.

John hastily scooped up a handful of snow, quickly figuring out how to shape it into the perfect weapon. When he turned to throw it at Ronon, however, the other boy had disappeared. Before he could figure out where he had gone, another missile came out of nowhere to hit John right in the face. John had seen where the snowball had come from though.

He threw himself at the snowdrift where Ronon was hiding. He and Ronon rolled out the other side, trying to see who could grind whose face into the snow. Dave jumped onto both of them scooping snow into whatever opening of their clothes he could find. All three of them were hit with snowballs from Teyla and Rodney.

Suddenly it was John and Ronon and Dave against Teyla and Rodney.

The snowballs flew thick and heavy, most hitting their target. John and Ronon tried to use some strategy, but Teyla and Rodney were too sneaky to be had by a stealth attack. Soon all five of them looked like living snow people. They finally declared a truce, laughing too hard to throw straight.

They found an untouched patch of snow in the front yard where Teyla showed Dave how to make snow angels.

Then they finally made their way to the next street over where the hill in the park made a perfect sledding hill. It was still early in the day so they were the only kids out.

They trudged to the top of the hill, their panting breaths creating white puffs in the air. They stood at the top of the hill for a moment looking down. It was a steep hill, at the bottom there was a short flat space before there was a line of shrubbery that shielded the park from the street.

John piled onto a sled with Rodney while Ronon took Dave onto his sled with him, leaving Teyla on her bright red sled all by herself.

"First one to the bottom is a rotten egg," Rodney taunted as he pushed off. They wobbled a little until John and Rodney figured out how to balance themselves. Teyla ran past them before throwing herself onto her sled midstep and taking off down the hill. Ronon laid flat out on his sled and let Dave sit on him as he pushed off with his feet.

"Push," Rodney shouted into John's ear. He did and then they were flying down the hill. The wind was so cold that he could barely breathe. The snow crunched under them as they went down the hill fast, everything whizzing by in a blur of white. As they reached the bottom of the hill, they hit something in the snow that sent them flying through the air. They wobbled in the air and went rolling. John and Rodney landed in the snow, tangled together. John was laughing so hard he could barely breathe.

"We've got to do that again."

They raced back up the hill, almost getting run over by Dave and Ronon already on their second trip down. They made it in time to cheer Teyla on her way.

They spent the morning climbing up the hill and flying back down. The sun was high in the sky before their stomachs startled rumbling and they decided to go back to John and Dave's for lunch.

Dave jumped up and down. "Lunch! Lunch! Then we can come back and sled some more!"

Ronon grinned down at him. "Sure, kid."

Somehow the block back seemed a lot longer with legs that were trembling from exertion and clothes that were soaked and cold from the snow.

The house was quiet as they piled in the front door.

"Mom!" John called. "We're back!"

"And we're hungry," Dave moaned, clutching at his stomach, hamming it up for the guests.

There was no greeting in answer which was odd because there had never been a time in his life when Caroline Sheppard hadn't answered John's call.

"Mom?" he called out again. The other kids fell silent waiting to hear her call back to them. But there was no answer, just silence. The house was completely still.

"Mom?" John called, getting a little freaked out now. He tore off for the kitchen. His mom knew there was going to be five hungry kids showing up for lunch. Of course she'd be in the kitchen. She just had the little television in the kitchen on and hadn't heard them come in. He managed to convince himself of that until he skidded into the kitchen.

He found his mom's body there, on the floor. There wasn't any blood or anything to say that something bad had happened to her, but John felt a squeeze around his heart that told him that something Bad had happened to her. His mother always exuded a sense of welcome and love for her children. And it just wasn't there anymore. She was stretched out on the floor, like she'd laid down for a nap right there on the kitchen floor. She had one hand reached out, but it was empty.

He fell to his knees next to her, pulling her body up, holding her close. It was limp, her head lolled back, her eyes were closed.

"Mom?" his voice cracked as he called out to her. "Mom, please, no."

Dave stood in the doorway to the kitchen, his eyes were wide. He was too young, and he didn't get what was going on. "John?" he asked, expecting John to make everything alright. He was the little brother, it was John's job to make things right and John couldn't. Their mom was dead, nothing was ever going to be right again.

John's friends jumped in, taking over.

"I will call for help," Teyla said. She picked up the phone in the kitchen and dialed the emergency number, her voice cool and calm, telling the person on the other end of the line the address and what they knew.

Ronon put his arm around Dave's shoulder and turned him away from the kitchen. "Come on, Buddy," Ronon said, "let's go wait at the door and meet the ambulance. Okay?"

Dave threw his arms around Ronon. Ronon patted his back gently, as he took the boy to the other room.

Rodney helped John straighten out his mother's body. He sat next to John with one hand on his shoulder.

"She's dead, Rodney," John said brokenly. He could feel the tears flowing down his cheeks and he couldn't stop them, didn't want to stop them. "What am I going to do now?"

Rodney didn't answer; he just patted John awkwardly on the shoulder and waited with him until the ambulance arrived.

"You and Dave go with her," Teyla said when the EMT guys showed up. There wasn't anything for them to do but put his mother on the gurney and take her to the hospital. "We will stay here and clean up."

There was bread on the counter and cheese where his mother had been making grilled cheese sandwiches for their lunch.

John didn't want to go. He wanted to curl up someplace dark and alone where he could pretend that his mother wasn't dead, where he could pretend that everything was still fine. He nodded instead. He took Dave's hand and they rode in the ambulance with their mother's body to the hospital.

* * *

Someone had called their father, John didn't know who, because he was waiting for them at the hospital.

He seized John by the shoulders and demanded, "What happened?"

John had his tears under control now, but they threatened to return as he said, "I don't know. She was fine when we went out. She was fine," he insisted.

The doctors came then and tried to explain.

"Aneurism," they said. "There was nothing you could do," they assured John.

But he knew they were wrong. And he knew that his father thought so, too. Because he wouldn't look at John or speak to him. Like he thought it was John's fault that Caroline Sheppard was dead. Maybe it was. John felt like it was. He should have been able to see that something was wrong when they left to go sledding. He kept turning it over in his head trying to figure out if he could have done something different, but there was nothing there, she had been fine when they left.

The next few days were a blur of grief and pain for John. He kept thinking he'd hear his mom's voice or think about telling her something and then he'd remember that she was dead and he was never going to see her again. Dave was confused and kept asking when mom was going to come home until finally John had to tell him the truth.

"She's dead, Dave, she's never coming home again," John told him, hating his little brother a little bit for making him say the words.

"No," Dave shouted at him. "She's not. You're just saying that. I hate you," Dave punched John, "I hate you." Dave punched John again, but the punches were weak. John held Dave's arms until he stopped struggling, then he held his little brother close, letting him cry the way John wouldn't let himself anymore.

Through it all Rodney and Ronon and Teyla did what they could to help. Rodney kept him up-to-date on what was going on at school. They sat with him at the visitation and stood close by him at the service when people he didn't even know kept telling John how sorry they were for him.

* * *

Eventually life settled back into a new kind of normal where John made sure Dave got off to school in the morning with his books and his lunch money. He got to the point where he didn't expect his mom to greet him at the door when he got home, but it never stopped hurting. The first two days back at school, he threw up after he ate the school lunch.

Spring came and they were still in the little house on the base. Now John wanted to move. There were too many reminders of his mother there. He thought it would be better if they could move on and have a new place where she had never lived.

He told his father that he was joining the Air Force. He didn't know why he bothered. It wasn't like his father cared one way or the other what he did. It was always his mother who had encouraged him and told him he could do whatever he wanted. He wished that he'd told her, she would have been proud of him that he'd been accepted. Now it was too late.

* * *

Finally it was time to graduate. John couldn't believe that he'd actually made it a whole year at the same school. It was weird to walk down the aisle with people he knew, to hear the whoops and cheers.

Rodney nudged him in the ribs when it was all over. "Hey, you want to see something?" he asked with a smirk.

John nodded. He followed Rodney out blinking into the bright spring day. There was a crowd of kids everywhere, excitement could be seen wherever he looked. And John was excited, he was. His life was about to start for real. He just wished his mom was there to share it with him.

Rodney nudged him and pointed over at Koyla and his gang of friends. They were strutting around like they were something big. Then he nodded at Koyla's shiny new car sitting by itself at the end of the auditorium's parking lot.

Koyla had received a new car from his dad for a graduation gift. He was inordinately proud of it. He had been showing it off for weeks now. He'd nearly run John and Rodney down a time or two in it. He usually parked sideways in two parking places at school, but here at the auditorium, he'd parked at one of the ends of the parking lot, far away from any of the cars that could ding it or dent it.

Rodney showed John the remote control in his palm before he pushed a little button. The car, sitting all by itself at the end of the huge parking lot, blew up with a spectacular explosion. Kids screamed and ducked, although no one was really in any danger.

"Oh, my god," John breathed. He caught sight of Koyla as he stared at what remained of his car, slack jawed. "What did you do?"

Rodney grinned. "That's for all the geeks that Koyla ever tormented. He'll think twice before he bullies someone next time."

Ronon appeared out of nowhere and punched Rodney in the arm. "You did not," he crowed.

Rodney grinned at him, "Just try and prove it was me," he challenged.

"Rodney, this is no way to settle things," Teyla said. Her tone was disapproving, but her smile was mischievous.

John realized with a pang that he was going to miss these people, his friends.

* * *

Wood smoke tickled at his nose, waking John up. He stared up at a hole in the ceiling where the smoke curled lazily before escaping. He blinked trying to remember where he was.

Oh, yeah, N4Y-772.

He felt like he'd been run over by a truck. He moaned a little.

Rodney appeared beside him, holding a canteen to his lips.

"Slowly," he commanded imperiously. He held John's head gently tilting it so John could drink without getting water all over himself.

John sipped gratefully. His tongue felt like shoe leather.

"Happened?" he croaked out.

"Spirit walk thing," Rodney said, his tone expressing his disapproval. "You took a walk on the wild side just to prove that we would be good trading partners."

John remembered the sight of the car blowing up and thought that Rodney didn't know just how wild.

"John," Teyla was there on his other side, wiping his forehead with a cool, wet cloth. "Are you back with us?"

He licked his lips taking another sip from the canteen.

"Think so," he said.

"You okay?" Rodney's hand on his shoulder was careful as he helped John sit up.

The flap of the tent flipped back and Ronon entered. "Hey, buddy," he greeted John. "You finally wake up?"

John just nodded; he was content to let his team take care of things for the moment. He stared up at the smoke where it circled the roof of their tent-abode thing. He tried to reconcile his memories of what had actually happened during his senior year of high school with the new memories he now had. Oh, his mother had died alright, but he hadn't had anyone to support him the first time around. It had been the worst time of his life. It was only the promise of the Air Force and flying that had gotten him through it the first time.

It has been awful the second time around, too, but he hadn't been so alone.

"What did you see?" Rodney asked.

John blinked at him.

"The whole purpose of this little exercise was so you could see what lesson you've learned while you've been in Pegasus," Rodney waved a hand that included John on his cot, the tent, the fire in the corner. "So, what have you learned?"

It wasn't really a new lesson for John. He'd known for a while now that he could depend on his team, and they could depend on him. He didn't know how to tell them about his mother and how much it had hurt when she died when he was seventeen, how he'd been left alone with a father too involved in his own grief to know that his sons needed him, with a little brother who didn't know how to help John in his grief. But now he had his team. Maybe he'd tell them about it sometime. They'd understand.

For now…

They were watching him anxiously, waiting for his answer.

He smiled at them, just a bare curve of his lips, but he made the effort to reassure them, "I learned that Rodney is bad-ass."

Rodney rolled his eyes, "You didn't have to eat bad mushrooms to find that out, I could have told you that."

There was a quiet snort from Teyla and a louder guffaw from Ronon. John let himself drift back into sleep knowing that his team was there ready to take care of things if needed.


End file.
